[scene in Riowyn's apartment]

Flauraan, Abigail is 15

If I thought my life changed after the Weraynian Scare, it was nothing in comparison to the aftermath of what happened on Halapatov. I feel people’s eyes on me whenever I am in town. I catch a glimpse of the coverage of the… incident… on the datashare one day and choke down tears, realise what a foolish young person I seem getting involved in a mystery on another planet that ended so tragically.

Some days I feel like I am walking around with this horrible secret inside of me, and I am terrified of being found out. Everyone knows what happened on Halapatov, but I haven’t told anyone what happened with me and Sophie. I made excuses with my parents and they believed me, and even though they occasionally mention her in passing conversation they haven’t questioned why she left without saying goodbye to them. In her defence, she is quite an eccentric person, and exhibits many unexplained behaviours. Exhibited? It’s not worth thinking about. And of course any measurable downturn in my own mood and demeanour can be easily explained away by the simple fact of what I experienced on Halapatov. Not that I am unaffected by that either, but it’s more than that. I am bereft. I am afraid. I have had the most important people in the universe rip themselves away from me. What if I never see her again? What if I am forced to spend my whole life without her, not knowing whether she is staying away by choice or if something far more horrible has happened? What then? I see the years stretching ahead of me, eclipsing the impending Weraynian War. Every day of my life I feel doom hanging over me, and I genuinely have no idea how I am going to escape from under its shadow.

I have little choice but to go about my life as normally as possible, as if nothing is missing, as if I have experienced at best a minor setback. I have had too many weeks off at the Learning Centre and have plenty of catchup work to keep me busy. I reunite with my recently rewon friends and find ways to talk about the trip to Halapatov when they ask about it even though I’d rather claw my own heart out. Sierra looks at me so sweetly when she says it will be weird not having Sophie around. Venom eats at me. I find myself gravitating towards Jayne, and joining the silent study sessions she spends late at the Learning Centre, under the guise of my makeup work. There is no small talk in that environment. I attempt to find the appropriate level of distraction that also allows little conversation. I help my parents in the fields and the market an appropriate amount that raises no questions. At night I go into my room and I am alone and I stare at the ceiling as thoughts and images swirl in my mind until my mind gives up out of sheer exhaustion. I force myself to eat and move and achieve an automatic state of existence.

I find myself back in training with Reeina, against every instinct in my body. Before Halapatov, I freaked out here using my powers, responding emotionally to experiences that feel like nothing now. What would happen if I tried to use my powers in my current state? But refusing to return to training wasn’t an option, wasn’t part of the plan. I can’t deal with any questions, I will not, especially from Reeina. I need to put up my strongest front. So I would have to use my powers without panicking.

Before, I had mostly positive experiences with my powers, yet one unlocked memory from my childhood was enough to put me in a frenzy, cause me to lose control when practicing. Now when I think of using my powers my entire body tenses with memories, with the most recent uses of my powers. Reeina places an object in front of me, a small trinket. I reach out my hand, reach out with my mind. As I watch my outstretched hand I see another hand, summoning staar matter into a ball. I blink lazily, and watch the trinket rise, totally relaxed. As the vibrations of the air ripple through me I hear distant screaming, mind filling with the light of the ghost dimension. My mind clenches but my body remains untensed. Reeina praises my improvement. We move on to other objects, practicing isolating one out of a group, making them all rise at once. I am clutching the pale arm of a corpse as industrial lights blind me; I pull particles towards me in a desperate attempt to protect the others with me; lights dance across my vision; I feel the discharge of my powers as Sophie pushes me away and the electricity of the teleport watch displaces her forever.

I complete every exercise Reeina presents me with to an excellent standard, and remain unmoved by my emotions. I accept that I will feel like this unceasingly.

I am almost out the door when Reeina’s reticent tone pulls me up short. “Abigail,” I turn, force myself to look at her, appear unfazed. Reeina is uncharacteristically hesitant; usually she maintains a stateliness and clarity that is able to cut through directly to most people. “I understand you have been through multiple ordeals in an improbably short time and sense that you are not in the state of mind to discuss these things in detail as of yet, but it would be remiss of me not to offer a listening ear as your mentor if you require debriefing of any sort."

I smile, and am thrilled at the false sincerity I instill in it. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m recovering well, all things considered. It was unlucky to run into trouble on Halapatov so soon after the Weraynian Scare, but I’m pretty resilient.” I incline my chin ever so slightly, almost believe my own words. “And like you noted, my powers have improved so much since my trip. None of my previous instability.”

My smile threatens to fade as Reeina continues to hesitate, eyes boring into me in the way that only someone with Reeina’s powers can achieve. Do people feel like this when I look at them? “Abigail, I do not want to be unkind, but I know you better than most, and I’ve had the privilege of looking at the files from your encounter on Halapatov. The girl who died, I am certain this wasn’t just a random death you witnessed but that of someone you’d grown attached to. Resilience is an important skill, but it must be moderated with proper processing of emotion.”

Now panic is rising within me. It’s okay, Abigail, you’ve survived so many conversations like this. Just one more and then you can go home, and next time you have training, Reeina won’t ask anything else about it. Come on, you’ve shown so much resolve, don’t let it fail now. I have shown an astounding amount of resolve thus far, but I’ve failed to factor in the extent to which my abilities siphon energy and focus from me. I’ve managed to channel my powers in training without a freakout, but I’m now realising too late that I have left myself exposed to utter emotional volatility.

I’m not giving in just yet, but I don’t know how to keep talking without the facade breaking. I need to get out of here. What’s an appropriate level of distress I can show to convince Reeina I am processing my emotions at all healthily? Her words are swirling in my mind. The girl who died… someone you’d grown attached to… No I can’t think about this now, no! “I-” It’s like she’s a lump in my throat, that I could speak her into being and she would appear safe and whole in front of me, but no matter how hard I try I can’t make myself do it. I failed her, I failed her. Sophie’s face on the hill is burned into my brain. I lost her too. The only person who understands.

Everything crumbles before me and Reeina’s hand is on my shoulder and I don’t even remember how I ended up on the floor and I can’t believe I let myself be so weak and I am wrapped in her arms and I am lying on cold marble and I am clutching a mug and the warmth is doing nothing to permeate the numbness I feel and before I have regained my sanity I have told Reeina everything and she is staring at me at a loss and I think that maybe I am broken beyond repair if even she can’t reach into this mess and make it any better.

“It won’t feel like this forever.” Is the only thing she manages to say that rouses anything in me. I think of the bite of Sophie’s words as I tried to find the right words to get through to her, the rejection of any logic or hope of recovery. Does it help anything for me to follow her example?

I nod mutely at Reeina, and as I make my way home not long after I feel maybe 1% better. It won’t feel like this forever, I tell myself, and I almost believe it.